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August 22nd, 2009
10:30 pm - heavy-headed august
Away and back again, here I am. It's really bizarre to have traveled so far and have done thing huge thing that I've been planning for so many years, and then all of a sudden be done. On the other side of it. Home again, having been to Europe. The UK, Ireland, France, Switzerland and (briefly) Italy. The trip was amazing, and I feel like I am just getting to the point where I can start really thinking about the whole trip and really sit with myself and figure out the effects.
Of course, I am dealing yet again with a transition and uncomfortableness. But between getting my BIS proposal written, working on the novel which was totally revamped in Northern Ireland, and putting together my HECUA internship, I believe I am filling my time as best I can. As well as reading and drinking a lot of coffee.
Things in Minneapolis as much the same as ever - besides that I don't have a job or school to immediately attend to or put off - though maybe the most disconcerning part of coming back home is that things have been happening without me, as smoothly as they were before. And here I am, trying to smothly join back in, reminding people softly that I am back. This is a feeling I am used to, after two years of moving between Perpich and Two Harbors, yet it is no easier this time around. Slowing everything down and reentering a world in which I felt on the perifery of in several different ways before is not generally easy, but thats fair.
And of course it's not like I wasn't out doing my own great great things.
So I'm calling up litgirls and making my own fancy dinners with leftover wine from my mom's house and beginning to read the books i'll need to hurry through this semester.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/thinking.gif) contemplative
Current Music: Regina Spektor
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June 12th, 2009
05:59 pm - Swine Flu...
The irony of this is actually making me laugh somewhere deep down. Even further down there is a little part of me that thinks it would be REALLY funny to be a part of the pandemic, because, well I'm obviously not about to die. I think thats just the part of me that wants to see John before I leave the country on Tuesday.
So...this week: 1. Josie e-mailed me on Sunday to tell me she is not able to do the last month of our trip. We won't be going to Italy any more, will spend less time at the Fowlers in Ireland and only be in France rather briefly. I'm OK with this, really disappointed, but Josie and I are such close friends that I understand what she needs when she asks for it, and I'm not mad at her. So that was rough, and I had to deal with a lot of plans and expectations changing. I'm doing alright now...a little grateful actually. Mostly, I have the awareness that everything happens for a reason, and this will work out. Plus, John said something about going to Montreal together in August together, which I am totally excited about.
2. I was with my mom, sister, and Lecey last night, eating out before Mama and Anna went to Washington DC for vacation today. John and I were going to get together, but he called to cancel since this brother was really ill and he was starting to feel down and he wanted me to not get sick before going away. On the way home, he called me again to make me aware that his brother had just gone to urgent care, and found out he had H1N1. I was with Will the night he got it (Grad party) and I hung out with the two of them the next night at a movie theater and in a car and stuff. John and I were, in well close contact as late as Wednesday afternoon and since it looks like he's coming down with it too, there is a chance I've also got it.
So I got up and went to the clinic this morning. I've developed a cough and feel pretty ikky, but nothing I would notice particularily of I was not trying to figure out if I have Swine Flu. Spent several hours being examined and asked questions to. If you have not gotten tested for the flu, don't unless you REALLY have to. It is quite possibly the most uncomfortable procedure I have experienced in a long time It would not matter so much if I was not leaving the country in less than a week... At any rate, if I have it I'm probably at my most contagious right now - right before i get my real symptoms. John seems to be getting very ill right now.
The best part of all of this is that I did not have to go to my last 2 days of work, which was really getting on my nerves. I am not entirely concerned with getting sick, its not like I'm going to die, even though it would be uncomfortable and suck. I just don't want to A) push my flight back any more or B) not see John before I leave for two months. I DO have several masks, which i am supposed to wear everywhere right now, and we've decided that if I come down with it two, I may just bunk in with the Hansons', since they're all also sick by the looks of it. Right now I'm just bored and feeling a lot of anticipation for whether or not I am about to get very ill. I would really like to know...
So, let the irony continue to commence!!
ugg...
Current Location: bed
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/sad.gif) lonely
Current Music: How I Sound, Ellis
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April 10th, 2009
03:00 pm - Many forward steps
I complain and I complain and I tell Bri that I have no pity for her and her "lack of sleep" but then I realize that I am totally thriving and joyful in the craziness. I have a VERY long to-do list, but this afternoon I think I'll walk down the Father Hennipen Park and read a book in the sun. Maybe with coffee? That might be pushing the beautiful springness...
Bought my plane ticket today. No matter if we find someone to work for in Italy, I'm going to London on the 16th of June, and not coming home till the 31th of August. Got my backpacking backpack in the mail today. Practiced a one-to-one this afternoon, will call Ireland and set up meeting and traveling in Belfast and Derry on Monday. Got up and wrote e-mails to big important people asking if I could talk to them please. Oh, and I need to do the usual ammount of homework as well as write two scholarship essays and find SOMEONE ELSE to write a letter or recomendation. Of course it will be worth it if i get all of HECUA paid for next fall. Oh, and I'm finding out if I got into that next week.
So basically, things are good. This semester is coming to an end, my boss gave me some time off at the end of the month, I'm going to Andrew Bird tomorrow night, and Grandma's on Sunday. I'll get it all done, and do well.
My only real complaint about life is that my appartment is on the very worst side of the building, the one where we only get aobut 10 minutes of sunlight in the windows. So I open them all and the wind blows and breathes, but the sun which is making outside so fantastic is shining on the cars outside, not the sofas. Which is why after I wash the dishes, I'll go the park.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/energetic.gif) energetic
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April 1st, 2009
10:22 pm - Planning and planning and busy
This is the busiest week I've had in a LONG time. I feel crazy, but incredibly productive. I'm meeting with people, starting projects, reading books...very good things. Staying centered and not getting scared or sad about things which come up. ALSO here are the top choices for the three weeks on the Ireland farm:
1. Jo and Geoff's Place
We have pigs which are reared out doors, grass fed beef cattle, vegetables, herbs and a farm shop in the nearby town. We also have goats and donkeys, and work together with other local small-holders to supply the farm shop with top quality fruit, veg and meat. You would be based here, but may have jobs to do at various locations. Accomodation is in either a caravan, stone cabin with woodburning stove, wooden chalet, or room in house. Transport arranged as necessary. It's a relaxed and happy place to be, the cats and dogs love lots of visitors (especially if you can kick a ball). There is always plenty to do, plenty to eat and drink and scenery to die for!
Good news is, we're only about a mile and a half from the main road, bad news is it's a very steep hill. Going down is no problem, but walking back up is a killer if you've been out all day. Having said that, most WWOOFers here hitch-hike all over the place with no trouble at all. In fact they're bowled over by all the generosity shown to them. There are no trains, but plenty of buses.
We usually ask for about 5 hours work a day, 5 days a week. Sometimes WWOOFers go exploring on a Friday evening, stay a couple of nights in hostels, or camping, then be back in time for dinner on Sunday evening. Then again it's possible to have a good look around, just doing day trips.
There are loads of pubs, many of them have music at least once a week, getting a taxi at night, back from Moville, the nearest town (about 4 miles away) costs 2 or 3 euros only.
2. Russ and Monica's
Hi katy, we are just 20 minutes out of Derry here which is the second city in northern Ireland and a very nice city too if you are interested in history etc. There are also of course many shops and bars etc too!
There is a bus every hour from the end of our road that goes straight to Derry and we travel there a lot as Monica family are mostly there too.
The work here is about 36 hours a week and the time is flexible as it will be depedant on the weather and also on what we want to do, so there may be a longer day a shorter day or 5 days or 6 days, as we will decide, but it will be 36 hours aproximately in the garden. We will all prepare and eat our meals together and if you are going galavanting then you can take a picnic. We will be able to take you to see the sights further afield from time to time and can run you over to the shop or let you use the mountain bike as required.
Here in Donegal you can use either pounds sterling or euros and change money over at the bureau very easily too.
and they used the word galavanting, which is a plus. And they are close to Derry (city where my novel takes place), which is very good.
and 3. The GOAT farm
27 acre goat farm with Northerly views over the islands of Roaring Water Bay and the Coast Of West Cork, with the Open Atlantic and its shipping lanes to the South. Small vegetable garden & greenhouse. Ice cream & cheese production, kid rearing. Goat husbandry courses given. Individual & group visitors welcomed. Member of the British Goat Society. Rural environment protection scheme. We especially welcome musicians, artists & thoughtful folk, also those who love german shepherds. People who want to stay ten days or more. No children under 10. We can accommodate couples but normally cannot take larger groups unless they are booked well in advance. We can cater for vegetarians but have little experience with vegan cooking. Come work with us not for us.
oh man.
I am pumped, no matter what happens. Things are good.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/wink.gif) giddy
Current Music: Wild Horse, Deb Talon
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March 24th, 2009
05:19 pm
Instead of studying for my International Relations midterm in less than an hour, I just bought five books for less than thirty dollars. I think I got into a bad habit of just spending money while in Seattle. Also, my head always hurts from not drinking coffee now. I feel like I'm waking up again with spring. Not sleeping well at night, and back-breakingly excited during the days.
I also think I'm moving through one of those weird phases where I really loose track of myself, like I forget to grab my sweater when the bus comes and leave it at the stop, or I take a package to the post office to mail it, but forget the address.
Brought snow to Seattle and rain to Minneapolis...
I'm ready to put on a skirt, take off my shoes and tie ribbons in my hair. Take out the fiddles and the May Pole! Tie the knots! Up in the Northland it's still frozen, everything takes a little longer. I am nastolglic for my childhood these days, choosing not to use an umbrella, and watching the Mississippi drag at the corners of the bridges while I walk across, one side to the other and back again.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/smile.gif) cheerful
Current Music: Buried in Teeth, Mariee Sioux
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March 20th, 2009
02:13 pm
I am back home. Got my oatmeal and coffee inside my belly, and a lot sleep to string my heavy head between. I am feeling very good. Last night was tough, just weird begin home and trying to escape from the feelings that chase me here.
Out on the west coast I got a lot of perspective, and a lot of giddy, thinking about the summer. As the plan stands right now, optimally, I will be going to London in the beginning of June and living with my aunt's Father in his cottage a mile from Stonehendge. From there I will go to London, then up and down the UK, to Whales and Northern Ireland meeting with people my amazing prof knows. I will network and talk to them about their passions and why they are a part of the organizing world. Specifically, he knows people who do Public Acheivement (look it up man, its awesome) in NI. Also, some old members of the IRA, maybe even the Nobel Peace Prize laureit. No big deal or anything....
Josie will meet me in Ireland and we'll find a farm or B and B to exchange our work for food and board at. We'll spend about a month there. (Or maybe Scotland!? These folks invited us to come by www.oneworldcommunity.org ) Then we'll make our way through France (PARIS!!) to Switzerland where a friend of mine is living for the summer in the Alps. Then we're hoping to end up in Italy. Josie knows someone who WWOOFed on a cheese farm in there, which would be fucking amazing. That or, I am feeling pretty good about the idea of a vineyard....
At any rate, it will happen and it will be amazing.
Did a lot of thinking and meditating, (or was in contemplating?) while in Washington too. I've settled, kind of in a sad place. Gotten angry at some folks and worked through that. I am more opened again. Getting back to that place where I can be set in taking care of myself and just have the window opened, waiting patiently for another wind to blow on in. I'm waiting to see if John D tries to contact me again...which is a toss up. At any rate, I know what I need to do to take care of myself. We'll just see how the conversation goes. I don't really want to fight about it at this point. Or go through this shit again. Maybe he'll never call back though. I feel like that's a huge possibility.
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Buildings, Regina Spektor
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March 10th, 2009
10:39 am
before the whole day falls apart in my shaky coffee hands, i just need to say already that it is the weirdest morning i have had in...a LONG time.
i dont even know what to do with myself right now, espeically since i have not even gone outside yet...
Current Mood: shocked
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March 3rd, 2009
10:26 pm - Political Ideas and Ideologies Midterm
"Aristotle speaks highly of the “middle class” in the Politics. What are his reasons for praising the middle class so highly? In what ways is the middle class “middle”? How does his relate to the rest of Aristotle’s philosophy in the Politics and the Nicomachean Ethics?"
oh oh oh....this assignment makes me miss Alan Hartway so much...His anecdotes would have been sooo much better than Mr Gimbel's. I miss that man so much. Him and maybe Sudarshan would have been real good reasons to stay in Boulder. I would be a better Catholic if Alan were still my priest, though it's pretty argueable that he's not so good of a Catholic himself.
Thats enough putting this aside though. I know exactly what the answer is. I just don't have the energy to write a page and a half on it...
Oh yeah, I'm getting real sick right in the middle of midterms, but thats ok. I'll just eat ANOTHER apple and go to bed soon. So, onto the paper...Think of what I could have written in the time I spent doing this.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/angry.gif) cranky
Current Music: Namesake, Anais Mitchell
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March 1st, 2009
05:05 pm
Went to work this morning and it was the slowest Sunday we've ever had. Reservations for only 89 people all day. I had two tables before my boss pulled me aside and asked if I wanted to go home, since I had told him all about the midterms I have this week. That was nice. Got to walk home in the daytime. Even though it was cold, I decided against the bus and went along Old Main, next to the river. It's funny how many memories I've realized I'm collecting from that little stretch of road and the many bridges connecting the shores of the river; holding hands with such-and-such, skipping with whats-his-face, first kiss with so-and-so... actually when I look back, every person I've been involved with has gone down there with me on the 1st or 2nd date. Of course, it is a pretty romantic part of town, and each of them has done something different with me, so it's not like I'm complaining. Oh, the stories!
Now I'm at home, turning the heat up again and trying not to think because Bri has a tendency to give me things to worry about, create problems for me from stories that I tell her. I hate how hard it is to let go of something that wasn't even relevant five minutes ago. There is no real problem, there was none, so I will just let it all go, but the attachment to worry is annoyingly consuming for my busy little brain. And how do you not talk to your roommate about things?
I'm finally to a place in my daily note-taking about my life where I have officailly recorded a year, so I can go back and see what I was doing every day, at least a year ago, for a while now I can read 2 years back.
So....
Two years ago today, I was at my parents house for Daniel Nelson's funeral. There had been massive amounts of lake affect snow and my family and I put on boots and snowpants and tread paths through the wait-deep snow on the lonely dirt road, to our neighbor's house where we sat around the fire there, drinking coffee and playing card games.
A year ago, I went on a hike with ROOT (including Tim the RA with beautiful, intense eyes) in the mountains at 7:00AM. Then my roommate and I went to the sex store in Boulder for the hell of it, and the clerk thought we were lovers, because Teresa is very clearly a lesbian and we were comparing objects all over the store. She kept winking at us and giving us tips that were clearly aimed at a certain kind of love-making.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/blah.gif) lethargic
Current Music: Anais Mitchell
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February 22nd, 2009
06:33 pm
There are a lot of things my mind wants to analyze and come to terms with right now. I think I should take a bath and do my homework instead.
I need to forgive myself, and accept the gifts of these cold days. Eat some oatmeal, drink some coffee. Get some sleep.
I would like to start a new writing project, something more concrete and usable. However poetry season is coming up on me, like water washing down my back, a cold wind rapping at the window before the sun rises. That glass of water is still on my bedside table - mostly because I have no had time to wash the dishes these days - but I will not be drinking from it. It will stay poised and ready, till the next morning when your mouth's gone dry. Nearby I will be cracking all my teeth together, making room for the new ones, belly curled against the loose sheets. My hair is splitting again, stretching and breaking crisply at the ends, whispering to everyone around me.
Am I simply young, or am I careless with myself? Do I truly find fault in the drops of sweat, running down towards the river, freezing, then thawing, not yet ready to be a lake?
Current Mood: content
Current Music: Wild Eyes, Mariee Sioux
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February 13th, 2009
11:17 pm
Pasteing more notes to the wall, the river cracks opened slowly. Tonight it is bound to the freeze and I am wary. Bitter almost, waiting for the next explanation and time of self-help. Quiet in my coat and well-used in my bones. I am afraid of my own distance being held.
Somewhere tonight we're all figuring it slowly, raveling and tying the ends, a weave of something new - two threads wrapped together for a while. Hoping for the hope to tie it all nice and safe in one good knot, the right way, like a sailor before the storm.
Hand is ready and opened, this is not to be fought. They come to us, generations in a dream of mother's loosing their minds, their daughter's loosing their sight.
Who will cross the bridge, brave the cracking ice, the feeling of water commin' up on us? Here I have stayed away from, here I came tonight to watch the moonrise. The clouds are thick, makeup on the sky's lips. Her mouth opened and gaping to the east where she is a puddle, water rising to meet the bottom of park benches. I am alone here, walking before a bright store window, seeing you suddenly, a tremble in the smooth and sleepy day-after. You again, still not gone, like the first promise you broke. And you didn't look up.
We close the doors because we want to re-frost the exposed grass. The window will steam all night long. The sky has become a baker: up early and set to work before the alarm breaks the sweat once again. And rivers bend to the ground, not to my wishes. I will not be caught drawing pictures, not daydreaming away towards days I have yet to know!
The creation story of this season is on the tip of my finger, a wish to be blown away, eyes closed, heart double-crossed not to tell. Careful, we shall not let it go a blowin' yet, for the ground is not yet thawed. There is a hole now, a place round my feet and somedays the ground theatens to once again to loosen itself. I grow anxious for someday already.
So break my heart again, oh city!
Just don't make me bitter.
Current Mood: ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/classic/tired.gif) sleepy
Current Music: The Pirates Gospel
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February 10th, 2009
09:28 pm
I keep reminding myself how fast things seemed to past in retrospect, because this seems like a good concept for me to concentrate on these days.
There are things to learn! I should read Aristotle, damn it! I should, and I shall!
Current Mood: determined
Current Music: The Highwayman, Loreena McKennit
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February 4th, 2009
02:39 pm - a bit of a jolt
Last night was coming home from class at about 9:15 on the 2. A girl was sitting next to me. We got off at the same stop and we had a quick conversation, wondering whether it would be better to get off the bus at the front or the back. Then we parted ways.
As I was coming down 8th Ave towards University, I heard screaming, which you can usually just kinda disregard in Dinkytown, but then the "What the fuck are you doing?" shouts made me run to the corner, where I saw a man crossing University, then running towards me, scarf over his hooded face and carrying a backpack. As soon as he got onto 8th, across the street from me, he started walking. Strolling, even. I ran across the street, where two people were already calling the cops and ran up to the screaming and crying girl. Yeah, the one I had just been sitting next to on the bus, the one who took a different way home than me.
So...the details of the robbery are not important, but she was badly hurt. Scrapes on her face and broken glasses. He got her keys too, so her and her roommates had no idea what to do with themselves that night, since who can afford to pay $400 to get a lock changed in the middle of the night?
Now it's just a call from the cops at 8:30 am, and the nagging that I walk home that time of the night 2 days a week. I won't carry my computer in my bag any more, and always keep my phone, money and keys in my pockets anyways, but...I don't know. I guess its usually just easier to think that, like in the valley, I can just wander alone at night, whenever I see fit.
Current Mood: discontent
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January 28th, 2009
10:21 pm - Finding New Cliffs
This semester is going to be intense. So good So So So good, I can tell. My classes will be engaging and entwining and twisting and conversing, but my worry is that I will be brain dead and sleepy in the middle. Oh well, I will make it through and more likely than not, I will do very well at the same time.
I have decided to stop drinking coffee all day long, so now, after my wake-up call in the morning, I drink tea instead. Except for before class tonight. This was especially bad because I have decided to develop a crush on an intriguing stranger who's path has crossed mine more times than I feel coincidental. So when he sat down next to me, I was even more jumpy. Then when I started the conversation which lasted ten minutes after class walking in the snow and waiting for two different buses (in which I found out he looked into going to Naropa, which is pretty telling about a person, I must admit. More so than they ended up going to Bemidji state for 2 years) I felt confident and good, not jumpy any more.
Or maybe the coffee had worn off after two and a half hours.
I have spent a lot of time alone lately. The reason for this is a mix between needing to do a lot of homework, which I really care about doing well right now, but it's also because I feel quiet and sleepy. I think this is a not bad thing. I want to meet new people and go out and have more new conversations, without severing old connections. I want to get closer to the amazing people I know enough to talk to, but who don't know to call me. I have been in coffee shops on and around campus lately, doing homework, people watching, waiting for someone to walk up and talk to me. I keep the hope that by just showing up, the journey will come to me, though I do recognize my own place in creation. It's all a balance: I can only keep the reigns in so much and letting go entirely gives me quite extreme results (see last semester).
There is no more time to write. I need to do homework: reading, paper, deciding on a public figure to speak with for my Public Organizing class.
Current Mood: optimistic
Current Music: Burried in Teeth, Mariee Sioux
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January 17th, 2009
10:34 pm - there must be meaning here because everyone has been damaged
Lord have mercy on my mind,
mercy on my memory.
-anais mitchell
This is my turning point. It's time to take the two things I've been allowing to rest into my hands, right and left, hold them before me, step forward and speak for myself. Time to step into the wind, knowing my candle will stay lit. Tonight, through a wild dance alone in my house, curtains closed, hair wet and tangled from the hot hot shower, I am no longer that girl. There are things to be done. I am pressing forwards, hitting the thighs of the horses of this chariot.
$250 spent to see my dear friend Josie will be nothing. A summer in a new country with old friends will draw me out from the in.
I will be fickle, but not bitter. When the sword fell, it was only one, and it tagged the soft flesh along the side of me, did not stab, did not stick. My gift to you was grace, yours to me was hurt, to push me to a new place, to a decision. Please do not put up a mirror when I speak my truth. My real truth I speak to protect myself, not you. I will give you the benefit of the hope of change, think that you may not shoot it back towards me sadly. Then I will dissipate, dissolve, fall back into a new forest, taking only those with me who will hold space with me.
Now I go to write the true letter.
*
Current Music: Take Your Medicine, Cloud Cult
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January 15th, 2009
08:31 pm - damn, it is cold is this state
I have felt at a loss for words lately. I want to be passionate and romantic and write amazing poetry, but alas, I seem to have hit a dry spell, or seem to displeased with the songs that lately accompany my words. It will come back, that is to be sure. I just seem to keep scribling over all the words I write, frantic to get it right. For now, I have spent a lot of time at home since returning from San Francisco. Much resting and reading and getting ready for the real world again. When I am not given anything to do, such as homework, I yearn for it, but I rest assured that once I begin the chase of being "on top of things" between school, homework, friendships and working life, I will be...well exhausted again.
I got my passport today. A week and 2 days after applying! The US government is quite a bit more on top of itself than expected.
San Francisco was amazing. Our trip was not so much about the place, though things like ridding bikes across the Golden Gate Bridge and walking up hills and hills surrounded by closely hugged colorful houses were amazing and unique to this city. Our journey was about people, about being opened to talking to the man across from us in the coffee shop, to the waitress who served us clam chowder on our first cloudy and cold day on the pier. We did amazing things, met amazing people and did not run into more than perhaps one calamity (Lauren left her wallet on a curb and it was promptly stolen, including $30 and her ID).
Now I am back to holding space like a prayer, letting things unfold and working on what I I I I I II iIII II need. Quietly, I am searching out the pattern of this year, running my fingers through the days, through my thoughts and my journey. I am looking for kinks, though of course I am usually the last to see them. Just a lonely, sunburned girl, with a big heart full of wishes for a bigger day, of a more welcoming place. I had a dream 2 nights ago about Will (not sexual at all...we chased away some Christians who wore masks and tired to convert me) and last night I drempt of John. I don't know what this means, exactly, or if it is noteworthy at all.
I know that I am at a cross roads right now, stalling at the fork, and thinking really nearly certianly that I'll be going one way. I see myself, as if from above, standing with my heart in my hands, before my gasping chest, three swords hanging like icycles above my hands, ready to fall with a thaw. I need to make a decision and move from this place. I know the safe way, but I am not often safe, I suppose, and the dangerous way sometimes offers such views! Either way I stand liable to have a broken heart... For tonight, I close my fingers round my heart, and pull it closely to me. There is nothing to be done at this moment, the decision is yet to be made.
When Lauren and I got into her grandmother's van, we explained how our plan was to spend our first night sleeping in the airport, since we were not getting in until 1:30 in our central time Minnesota biological clocks. She shook her head furiously and told us to "Go get a life!"
Current Mood: calm
Current Music: Wild Eyes, Mariee Sioux
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January 14th, 2009
11:36 pm - stranger to stranger
the town full of beautiful little sins
tearful nights along the pier
sea lions moving the silky water
full moon eyes on my well-worn soles
my used and opened heart
sleepovers with strangers in cold rooms
no telling where the beds end and the floor begins
at home again, i light a candle
another shines
at the sea shore
a church atop a hill
two hours in my lap
taken back in the middle of the night
the prayer is the space between
wide-eyed and gaping at the moon
hope and fear suspsended
'
how could it be so warm in january?
we ask, looking to the hills and
houses, pressed close and colorful
heartbroken, homesick and dripping
with sickening and laughable joy, i hope
to stand forever
gaping at the full moon
from a 3:00 am airplane window
Current Mood: tired
Current Music: Changer, Anais Mitchell
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January 5th, 2009
11:49 am - away again!
I am packing my bag again today. Leaving tonight on a plane headed for San Francisco. I don't know anything about the city other than the address of where I will be staying and I have a list of places to see. I feel a little like I am running away from some things that I have yet to deal with face-to-face, but I 'm OK with running away from one thing to meet another, especially if it is only a week I'll be gone, to clear my head by the ocean, with books and coffee and adventure.
I feel as if I am going back in time, back to the Yellowstone days. When I only owned 2 pair of jeans, a couple loose fitting shirts and a good pair of shoes. This is really all I can fit in my backpack anyways. Maybe a pillow. We'll see if I can pull that one off. I would like to say I travel without pillows, but I'm not gonna lie, I really really appreciate them and don't sleep well without one...this isn't the point.
I am so happy to slip into the adventure of being in a new place with an excited friend. Looking for a way to spend the day, knowing that if we want to, we can just read in a coffee shop all day, or walk the streets, asking strangers questions. I am so glad to be going with Lauren, a well-used travel companion now. I am terrified but glad that we don't know anything we'll really be doing.
I did not get the clarity I promised myself last night. Things are still unfolding. This is alright. I can keep suspending this process.
I just drank the last cup of coffee in my house. It is time to leave, for sure.
Current Mood: excited
Current Music: Journey of the Featherless, Cloud Cult
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December 25th, 2008
12:59 pm
It is so good at home. It is so good what I have been given. My childhood was...pretty much awesome, and here I am getting little tastes of that in different ways, all the time this week.
Car ride home with Casey was fantastic. We talked about boys and our respective love lives, which was really nice. He has loosened, as have I and all those years that we were friends, yet wound tightly around the nervousness of hurting or biting or falling for (well this was totally on my part) one another have nearly disapated. Listening to classical music, letting the drive north be an adventure and laughing hysterically was just what I needed.
My parents have installed a new heater in the house. It is GREAT to say the least. I spent the past few nights sitting in front of it, reading and knitting. Saw old friends and visited old places. Walked in the still and quiet valley as it snowed all day long. The country does us all good, from time to time. A little taste of the stillness and spread beauty of my childhood...bittersweet, but refreshing. Getting out there is good: there is nothing to be done about anything in my life in the city, so I can sit and relax.
And now I am at my grandma's. Oh god, the Irish Catholic Cashman family I am a part of! Nearly all of us at here, running around, talking, yelling, laughing over each other, sharing stories, touching new babies and stroking baby bellies. John, Dan, Dawitt and I stayed up pretty late last night, drinking wine (this was of course, after I was drunk for the first time at grandma's Christmas eve dinner...dear god: A Mistake) then I lay in the room with the rest of my sleepless family, as if the four of us were all still giddy about the presents in the livingroom below, laid out pretty by Santa for us to open when the sun rose and Abby and Lizzie and Tommy woke us up to show us.
I wish I could desribe this better. It is so ingrained in myself, such an important part of me that it seems so natrual, so wonderfully perfect. I love these people and this place so much, there is no way to describe what I feel right now.
God, I've been gifted.
Another cousin just arrived, I can hear them yelling greeting. Hunter is being put to a nap in the bedroom I'm in, so I'd better go back out and join in the fun. Lunch will be served soon.
Merry Christmas and much love to you all.
Current Mood: grateful
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December 16th, 2008
12:00 am - Managed
On another closeatory note, I just found out I got a B in BIO 1001, as well as Globalization and Social Justice. So far, unless I totally failed my capstone project (doubtful, considering apparently everyone in the class loved it for some reason...we totally bullshitted the whole thing, but well, apparently) and bomb the final on Thursday, I'll have an A in Cultural Studies 1001 and I'm pretty sure I got an A in Intro to Social Justice.
So...yay! I can go through emotional termoil, fuck shit up and have a mini breakdown and still survive school this well!
Granted last year I had a totally melt down and got all A's, but I didn't have a social life, so I'm no judgement against myself here.
Current Mood: accomplished
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lettersfromlucy's journal